100 THINGS TO REMEMBER
Tim Wilson
Capitol Records
1:55 AM 6/15/2005
Spoken: I had a crazy uncle who was on his deathbed a long time ago.
He said, "boy, there's 100 things in life that every man needs to know
to survive. And here's 39 of them"
A (A) virgin don't ever drive a Z28
Never bet the ranch on your prostate
If it's got an Adam's Apple, it's probably a man
Never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand
She (D) didn't accidentally get good in bed
You (A) can't join the church if you're already dead
A (E) work uniform ain't totally nude
(A) Brim and bass ain't see-through
When there's (A) guns in the house, one better be yours
Don't be naked next to any fishing lures
If there's Girl Scout Cookies, she's a little too young
If you say "I do", be the ugly one
(D) Never let a bald man borrow your comb
Never (A) play strip poker in a nursing home
Don't (E) blame your pallbearer's if they don't show
If you're (A) burried in the middle of the Super Bowl
Let (B) people borrow money, they'll leave you alone
Never fry bacon without a shirt on
Never spray water on a hornet's nest
A woman rarely aces the driver's test
The (E) sign probably don't really mean massage
Never (B) threaten anybody in camoflague
Say you (F#) love 'til she lays down the buther knife
(B) Never put the move on the boss's wife
She's messin' 'round on you if your briefs don't fit
Never trust a hitch hiker to baby sit
Cosmo's never in a happy home
You can't cut a deal with a kidney stone
A (E) politician ain't got an HMO
(B) Washing her hair means she don't wanna go
Don't (F#) ridicule a biker on his tattoo
Ya been (B) married 9 times?? Hell, maybe it's you
(C#) Doom ain't the same as Donkey Kong
If he's wearing high heels, you might've raised him wrong
The clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
Don't rent a room from a man named Bates
A (F#) tank-top's never on a Billionaire
(C#) Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there
How (G#) many get to Heaven, no one knows
But (C#) Hell will be asses and elbows
Spoken: Then he died
Crazy fool rolled over and died
And never did tell me what the other 61 things were........
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